Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 10:35 pm Post subject: Serious request for help.
I'm pretty new to the fandom, so I'll probably be asking questions for a while, but the one that really worries me right now is:
How do I tell my mom?
How do I tell the woman who raised me that my idea of happiness is different from hers, that her eldest son is some half-mad wierdo (from her perspective) going off with some harebrained idea of being a wolf? And that I'm perfectly fine with all of that? How do I reassure her that I'm NOT going out all half-cocked into that strange, wonderful place we call the world without a notion of reality, when I'm not so sure myself? I have to live with her for a few more years, and I don't want to destroy our family any more than that scoundrel of an ex-stepfather already has, but I feel like if I don't tell her who I am and what I've become, I'm right back to square one, still hiding in my closet, denying myself.
Someone please share some wisdom with this sad, scared pup. _________________ Big guns = big funs
Hamsters are friends, not food.
I <3 x2 Medic
From my view, there are three ways to "come out of the furry closet" to your mom.
Firstly, there is blunt approach. Sit her down in front of a computer and just show her. Obviously you'll want to leave some stuff out such as yiff, and some of the more "hardcore" furs who actually believe they are animals (Yes they're out there). Just show her some art and explain to her what the furry fandom is: A group that expresses themselves through the use of anthropomorphisized animals. I admit, if you want to go into detail it would be hard to explain this in a way that isn't a bit awkward, but this is probably the best way of "coming out". If you need some help on explaining it, there are plenty of links if you just Google it. Here are a few:
The second way (The way that I did it) is let your mom find out for herself. Let her know that your a fur, show her the forum or some art or something, but that's it. Just act like it's no big deal. If she wants to know what a furry is, she can look it up on her own. Usually, as long as you act like it is no big deal, people will think it's no big deal. Be warned though, while this does cut out the awkward conversation, it does have a risk of backfiring if your mom finds something particularly...untasteful, which could lead to an even more awkward conversation. This way worked best for me because I don't really care what other people, my parents included, think of me. I've got nothing to prove to them, and even if I did, I wouldn't change who I am to do it. If you have the same attitude, I suggest this path.
The third way is probably the simplest. Just don't tell them. I would only suggest this if your parents already have a preconceived negative attitude towards furs. If they have, for example, seen the MTV "Documentary", read the Vanity Fair article, or watched the CSI episode, it may be safest to just withhold this information until you've moved out. Your parent's really should know, but if them knowing is going to make your life hell until you move out, it's not worth it.
From what you said in your post, I suggest approach number 1. Just tell her.
If she doesn't already know what a fur is, it is really quite easy to show that joining the fandom was a good thing. It is hardly a harebrained idea--there are around 50,000 furries spread out all around the world. As for your future, I hardly doubt she would worry about that. Some of the most skilled, creative and brilliant people I know are furs. There are many, many very successful furs. Take Sam Conway for example ((http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samuel_Conway)). If you show her this I highly doubt she could think that you're going into the wold without a "notion of reality". And I don't think your idea of happiness is any different from hers, it's just the way you achieve it that is different. That is no different than anyone, and no mother I know would hold it against their child if they took up different interests than them.
The biggest thing to remember is that essentially all your saying is that you like animals, and respect the traits of your fursona, in this case a wolf. If your mother loves you, which I am very sure she does, there is no way saying this will make her think any less of you.
Anyway, I hope that helps. If you have any other questions don't hesitate in asking. _________________
There was a CSI episode...
...
...?
On second thought, ignorance is bliss., though my mom loves CSI and its ilk, so that could be a wild card.
But option one sounds good to me, though me explaining complex subjects (and you cannot deny that this is a complex and multifaceted subject, to outsiders at least) would be like Ah-nold holding a press conference to announce that he feels insecure.
In other words, true or not, nobody would really understand, and cognitive dissonance would leave the intended audience with a really bad headache.
Now the only problem that remains is to find a time to tell her, because believe me when I say that my trust in her is sometihing I'd rather not lose. My worst fear right now is the "little gay kid" scenario, in which parents tell little Johnny that he can "tell them anything" (a common line in my family, I have the vague feeling she knows I'm hiding something), only to have little Johnny tell them he's gay. Shocked parents disown Johnny and Johnny is scarred for life.
Of course, I can always pray to both God and lady luck (does that make me a pagan? ) that she will catch me red-handed on this forum, in which case she will see first-hand that I'm happy with the path I've chosen, if still getting over some minor insecurities.
The irony in all of this, that I will hopefully see amusing when I am older, is that I'm asking an anonymous Canadian how to confide in my mother.
*Hugs Burn, then backs away, embarrassed by the indiscretion* _________________ Big guns = big funs
Hamsters are friends, not food.
I <3 x2 Medic
Yeah....my dad doesn't even know what a furry is but he does know I'm an otherkin. And in truth I didn't so much tell him as he figured it out & asked me questions *shrug*
But yeah all parents are different. If you're not comfortable telling her yet, than don't Take all the time you need! _________________ I'm a white thylacine with turqoise stripes, eyes, & hair.
How's this for an idea...
*Thinks very hard*
Wait for it....
Wait for iiiit.....
What if I "inadvertantly" convince her to visit my website, which has recently aquired a "furry writing" section (A whole third of the site!), as well as a new, vastly less vague homepage, which clearly tells people that I'm a furr as a warning before they go off into the section titled "furry writing" and then sue me for "poisoning their mind" or some such rot.
That way, if, as I suspect, she already has an idea of the situation, her suspicions will be confirmed(or replaced with mine if she's completely off base!)
If she doesn't know a thing, she will find out and either confront me or look things up herself.
If she takes it the wrong way, I suppose even parental bonds are not eternal.(As I recall, she was never on good terms with her own mother).
And if my plan results in the worst-case scenario, what I would refer to as "epic catastrophic meltdown-type failure", well...........
*Begins humming 'On the Road Again' while packing a rolling trunk with canned food, clothes, and equipment, then dons a sandwich board that reads 'Will work for less than minimum wage'* jk,... maybe... just a little...
*Worried face*
By the way, not to sound ignorant, but what, pray tell, is an otherkin? Or a thylacine for that matter? _________________ Big guns = big funs
Hamsters are friends, not food.
I <3 x2 Medic
That would work. That is more-or-less what I meant with the second approach above.
Selgin1 wrote:
There was a CSI episode...
Yep. It wasn't as bad as the MTV or Vanity Fair pieces, but the light in which it portrayed us was far from positive. If your mom has seen it and then you tell her that you are a member of the community shown in it, things could get a little bit hairy (ba dum tchhhh).
If it turns out she has seen it, pretty much the only thing that you can do is remind her that it is a *fictional* TV series, and that Brookheimer and CBS are far more interested in ratings than telling the truth.
If you want to see what you are up against, I think the episode was called 'Fur and Loathing', although you may be right when you say ignorance is bliss.
As for your "Little Johnny" analogy, it's a legitimate fear, but if she doesn't know what a furry is (Her liking of CSI does make this questionable), I don't think it's all that realistic. The difference being that when someone comes out as gay, their parents tend to think they already know everything about the gay community based on stereotypes and hearsay or religious reasons, and it is much harder to change someone's mind of a prejudice than it is to accurately explain to them what it is the first time they hear of it. Does that make sense? It is exactly my reasoning behind the third choice that I talked of above, though.
A simple way of finding out if she knows or not is to just casually ask her some time if she's ever heard of the furry fandom. If she responds with something along the lines of "You mean those weirdos who run around in animal costumes?" you may be in a little bit of trouble, but otherwise it should be clear sailing unless she is particularly xenophobic.
But yeah, as Sara said, don't feel you have to tell her right away. You can take your time if you want.
Sarafina wrote:
I didn't so much tell him as he figured it out & asked me questions *shrug*
Actually, the same thing happened to me with furry, except I didn't even know he knew what it was until recently.
I never hid the fact that I was furry, but I didn't think my parents really knew anything about it until I went to Howloween. I was fully expecting to have to explain what the fandom was, but when I talked to my dad, the conversation went something along the lines of:
ME: "Dad, there's this convention that I want to go to."
HIM: "What kind of convention?"
ME: "Well, there is..."
HIM: "Is this to to do with that furry group you're associated with?"
ME: "What? Oh, um, yeah, it is."
HIM: "OK. When is it?"
Definitely a lot easier than I expected.
As for your other questions, Sel, while I do know what a thylacine is, I'm not really entirely clear on what the Otherkin community is all about, so I'll let Sara handle those.
Oh, and don't worry. Hugs are always accepted _________________
--
Last edited by Burn on Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:13 am; edited 1 time in total
Thanks. Glad to have lots of support More I think about it, the more useful Opt. 2 becomes. Still a bit leery from the last time I tried, though I admit I was ill-prepared. As far as xenophobia goes, I don't think it's that so much as an overly rational mindset..
I challenge any pshychogeneticist to tell me how a woman with no imagination can get together with mystery man #3 and have a kid with too much imagination. True Story! mostly.
I guess the best way to play my hand is to make no secret about it, but not be all "in your face" (which goes against my nature anyway. Sadly, I'm hopelessly secretive IRL... to anyone, about anything), that way, she'll ask when she's ready to talk about it. Seems better than me pushing my excentricities [sic?] on her.
As far as the CSI episode goes, I think I saw it at some point, then stopped watching halfway through (CSI is just bad TV in my opinion, and this was before I started associating my self with furries, and therefore quite some time before actually considering myself to be a member of the fandom.) and promptly flushed it from my mind...
Which means it will eventually come back, at which point I will do the same thing psychologically as the first time I saw it, namely, take out the trash. _________________ Big guns = big funs
Hamsters are friends, not food.
I <3 x2 Medic
Though not quite in the way I anticipated, it ended up being more casual and spur-of-the-moment. Kinda went like this:
Me: Mom, can I ask you something?
Her: What?
Me: How would you feel about me, not this summer, but next summer, going to a convention in Pittsburg?
Her: What kind?
Me: Well... A furry convention, Anthrocon 2010. (I kinda said this a little fast, cause I wanted to get it over with)
Her first reaction, I recall, was: "Aren't you a little young?"
Oddly enough, she didn't ask many questions about the whole furry portion of the question. I, however, have no intention of looking a gift horse in the mouth. From the way she spoke (and some of the words she used), I can gather that she sees it as either an experiment or a phase.
But it's a start, and I can sleep a bit more soundly at night now that I know she knows. _________________ Big guns = big funs
Hamsters are friends, not food.
I <3 x2 Medic
o.0 Pittsburg? That's actually.. *takes out a map* interesting...
err! What!? *hides map*
Great that it turned out well, could of gone alot differently.
(as in, mine ended something like...
Her: "You worship the devil!?"
Me: "What!? No it's not like that at-"
Her: "I knew it!"
-after some explaining-
Her: ...are you sure you don-
Me: Yes I'm sure!)
I almost think she was disappointed...
*sigh* Just when you think you know someone. >_>
Sorry for not being as helpful as Burn- I give horrible advice. (If your situation isn't screwed up even more then your advice back free!)
Woohoo! Congratulations Selgin! _________________ Hamsters for life!
-=Should the need arise to wiggle to the right till feelings the resistance=-
I <3 Sel
yeah, but bear in mind I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop...
But by the time it does, I'll be 18 and, as she said herself several times during the discussion, more or less autonomous.
So I no longer care about the other shoe because the net effect is roughly the same. I don't think she's willing to accept it as reality until I come home July 6, 2010 wearing an Anthrocon 2010 T-shirt. Until it becomes that obvious, she mostly seems willing to brush it off.
But it's better than being mistaken for a devil-worshipper, I suppose.
And I hide enough as is without trying to hide this too. _________________ Big guns = big funs
Hamsters are friends, not food.
I <3 x2 Medic
My parents still think that I'm a Satanic goth kid or something because I play Ironclaw. e.e;
Tabletop RPGs ftw <333
Anyway, yeah. I never really 'told' my parents, they just kinda figured it out when they saw what I was looking at online and stuff. They read everything I did ((nosyyyyy)) for a long time, via hacking into my account on our old computer. Finally convinced it's basically harmless, they've let it alone.
They still have no idea about me being A) a witch and B) otherkin.
But I've never been very close to my parents, so nothing lost there. I've never confided things to them. No biggie.
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) that she will catch me red-handed on this forum, in which case she will see first-hand that I'm happy with the path I've chosen, if still getting over some minor insecurities.
